Out with the Old, In with the New

Yesterday, I stepped out on the front porch to have my first ciggie of the day, and found this "gift" laying on the steps.

Of course, my initial reaction was EEEEEEK! I have a SNAKE! Living near my house!

Which of course, is insane, because we are surrounded by woods, ponds and other flora which promote snake-life, so the idea of a SNAKE actually living in this woodland paradise isn't that far-fetched.

Nor is it exactly comforting, but whatever. In the 4.5 years we've lived here I've never seen evidence of a snake, until now.

And you know what they say about snakes. If you see one, that's ENOUGH! LOL

But, in the interest of laziness, I've left the snakeskin lying (laying? hmmm) out there, and I've spent a fair amount of time outside in the last couple days, so I've seen it more than twice.

I got to thinking about that snake. I'm sure it's not an exactly pleasant experience to shed one's skin. And, I'm sure he picked the concrete, a rather less comfortable place for a snake than say, the WOODS, in order to facilitate this process.

Which led me to thinking about FM and my life right now.

Although I don't think we are as creepy as snakes, it may be time for us to shed our own exterior skins in exchange for newer, brighter, better fitting ones.

It may be painful for a while (I'm actually quite sure it's going to be), but in the end we will walk away with a fresh new skin.

Thanks Mr. Garter Snake for the life lesson. I'm glad I didn't immediately throw your old protective covering into the trash, but instead let it sit there and remind me that sometimes change IS for the better.

Hello? Hello? Anyone?

Wow. Been a while, eh? My statcounter tells me most my traffic is being driven here by google image searches. My bad.

But, being we are off to Peru next weekend, and I didn't post the entire time we were in Macedonia OR Croatia, I guess I'd better come back and talk to those people looking for octopi pictures.

Wouldn't want them to feel left out!

WHOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOO

Loving life in the USA!

OBAMA! OBAMA!

I have never been prouder of my peeps!

John McCain made a very gracious concession speech. And I hope his supporters around the country respect his thoughts more than his local audience in Arizona.

And, no offense, but Michelle? Can we talk about that DRESS!?!?!

I hate pretentiousness

And, no, I'm not talking about the election. But, if I was, I'd tell you to make sure you VOTE TOMORROW. And, I'd like to tell you who to vote FOR, but I guess that's your choice. Meh.

I am talking about paying damn good money for sub-par food, though.

Saturday night was a surprise 40th birthday party for my nephew (how I have a nephew older than me can be blamed right on FM) held at a restaurant here in town called Bistro Bella Vita.

They have a reputation for good food and better martini's. I did not join in the martini fun, knowing I had to drive home, but did consume a couple draft beers. And food that was no good.

This place is filled with posh looking couples and groups of people clinking martini and wine glasses and looking like they stepped out of magazine pages. Ocassionally I would see someone eating. More of a place to be seen on a Saturday night than anything. I must say, it's been more than eight years since I've been there, and I do remember the food being AT LEAST EDIBLE.

When I break down and shell out triple digits (or FM does) for dinner, I do expect it to be FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC. Especially triple digits in Grand Rapids, Michigan.

If I had been served FM's Boeuf Bourguignonne, it would have went straight back to the kitchen. It was SO SALTY. I declared it inedible, but being we had waited over an hour and a half for it to arrive, FM just quietly gobbled it down and waited for his ankles to swell.

I had the Skate, which is a very light and delicate ray fish which the cook (chef? dare I call him that?) had used about three times too much oil to prepare.

And our Greek Salad appetizer? Since when are there no peppers in a Greek salad. And why the fennel? Not that fennel is bad, it just does not belong in my Greek Salad. Which, by the way, neither does SPINACH.

Whatever. At least you could eat it.

Woke up in the night with a very upset stomach.

In other news, our 1995 Taurus finally lost it's transmission enroute to one of the more exquisite golf courses around town. Whilst being followed by our financial advisor driving his brand new BMW.

Thank God he was there.

And Mike got SENIOR RATES at the course. Saved us $10, but made him feel a little sad, I think. Yes, we are golfing in November in Michigan. Going again tomorrow, as it promises to be 70 degrees Fahrenheit.

The junk yard gave us enough money for the car to cover our golf on Friday or our dinner on Saturday. But not both.

Sigh.

Are you going to Heaven or Hell?

Having been out of the country these last 9 months has not protected us from major US election coverage, of which I am mostly glad. It's always nice to know what's going on in the world, but this has been a pretty exciting campaign for both the Democrats and the Republicans.

And, it's also kept me aware of just how strongly both sides supporters feel and far they will stoop.

But, after returning home, I called a dear old friend (she's not old, she's just been a friend a looooong time). I typically don't talk politics with her, as we tend not to agree and are not going to change each other's minds, but she brought up the election.

Said she was very confused.

Seems her church is preaching that a vote for Obama will send you straight to hell. That any Christian who votes for Obama doesn't deserve to call themselves a Christian.

Now, I've heard of such things going on, but this is the first time I've talked to an educated person who's actually been subject to such bullshit. Whether you're for Obama or against him, I don't think a vote for him will damn you for eternity. . . .

Just saying.

On a better note, two other friends I had dinner with last week (and vowed not to talk politics with) openly admitted at the end of the night they were voting for Obama.

I was STOKED. And very surprised.

I didn't tell them they were going straight to hell.

Well, Hello There Little Blogger Account

Boy, I've been avoiding YOU like the plague, eh?

I'm home from China, FM got to spend 36 hours here before reboarding a plane bound for Beijing (totally unplanned, of course, he'd never fly home for 36 hours) and is expected back in my loving arms on Tuesday night.

Of course, he'll probably be grumpy as hell and jetlagged to boot. Poor dude.

I've been shopping my butt off while he's gone. Spending money is so much easier when the man is not around. . .

On a good note (?), the shopping has left little time or energy for the drinking, so my liver is getting a break. All good.

Wake Up With Wood

We have an AM radio station in town called WOOD AM. It hosts such notorious personalities as Rush Limbaugh and Dr. Laura (although I'm not 100% on Dr. Laura, it's been years since I've listened to WOOD).

They, obviously, have an older audience.

But they now have billboards in town that say "Wake up with Wood", and I have to ask myself. . .

Do they know what they are saying???

We're off to see the Great Wall!

More details to follow, but we just got word our next stop will be Beijing, China.

I'm SOOOOO pumped. Now I just need a guidebook and map.

And, maybe some new shoes. And a purse. Possibly a backpack. Some long underwear, jeans? Yea, jeans. And sweaters. . .

Unrequited Lesbian Love

Friday night I went out with a couple of hotty girlfriends of mine. We decided to go down to FM and I's nephew's bar, Remedy.

This bar has had several names over the past years - Magoo's, The Brickhouse, and now Remedy. It has always had a reputation of being just a bit of a meat market.

FM & I have been down there a few times since we've been home, including New Year's, and haven't really noticed it being too meat market-y, so I thought it would be relatively safe for my married girl, my girl in a long term relationship, and myself. Now mind you, a little attention ain't bad, but I just didn't want it to get out of hand.

Well, it did.

Not in your traditional way, however.

We had a few drinks, then decided to play Wii bowling (they have an AWESOME setup there, plenty of room and projected on a large cement wall).

A couple dudes sniffed around, watching us play. They were playing pool with a blond chick just across the room from us. We offered to let them play the next game.

After a few minutes, the blond chick wandered over and introduced her bad self to me. Her name was Dana.

And she was a FLAMING lesbian, if there is such a thing.

She was 22, and used every line in the book on me for about forty-five minutes. It got to the point I had to be rude. She was actually even touching on me. Now I don't have anything against lesbians personally, and if it had been a guy I would have been just as rude, I swear, especially when the touching started.

By the time she figured out I wasn't interested (I thought telling her I was married would be enough, but OH NO), she decided to move on to my other friend.

And used the exact same verbatim lines on her.

We had to laugh.

I decided if I ever decided to have a lesbian encounter, I'd be the aggressor, now that I know what to say. . .

A Whole New Year

Look at it! It's so shiny and brand new.

I'm sure we'll be able to sully it up in no time.

Spent the first day in a slightly hungover funk, but managed to make a pork roast for dinner. Extra points for that.

Also had managed to set in supplies for Bloody Mary's so we didn't have to face the New Year 100% sober. Thank God.

FM is off to work again on the 7th, but only for a couple weeks, so we will have to get some sully-ing in this week yet.

Quickly.

It's no fun to sully without him.

And now? We are off to a matinee of American Gangster.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

You Know You're Getting Old. . .

When this is what floats your boat as a Christmas present.

But, oh well, because IT DOES!

And, NO. We don't live in a trailer. Although that picture makes it look suspiciously like we do.

Not that there's anything wrong with living in a trailer. Just that WE DON'T.

Okay, must go to grocery store now. After painting all day. The excitement never ends.

A Merry, Merry Christmas

It's been a constant party for the last eight pounds . . . I mean days. . . heehee. We'll probably be suffering from Post-Christmas Depression.

Including the depression that occurs when you can't button your pants.

FM is fatter than he's ever been, topping the scale yesterday at 171. Heinous, eh? It's disgusting. I may have to leave his Fat Ass.

My little brother made the family cry by proposing to his girlyfriend of two years, Amy. A new family member!

FM and I's Christmas present to each other arrives Friday, although we did manage to spend a little money on innocent baubles to exchange on Christmas Day. Our big present is a new front door. And entry light. And doorbell. And garage light as soon as I can find one that doesn't make my stomach roll looking at it. Oh, and house numbers, too (same deal with the rolling stomach).

So, internet, from our family to you and yours, we hope you had as an exciting of a Christmas as we did, minus the extra poundage, and I'm sure we'll talk before the New Year.

Now, I'm sure there's a cinammon roll or two left around here somewhere . . .

Trying to do three things at once

I honestly didn't know they were advertising a Progresso Soup diet sometime in the last 14 months. I've been away, remember?

Yes, I've heard of the Special K diet and the Subway diet. But not the Progresso Soup diet.

Although, I've always used Progresso Soup as a diet food. It's the only canned soup I will buy. And, if you add a little salsa to the Southwestern Chicken or the Lentil, it's actually pretty palatable.

So, FM and I are trying to quit smoking. Over the holidays. And I'm trying to lose weight. And not eat like a total hog. Quitting smoking and losing weight OVER the holidays do not usually go hand in hand.
But what the hell. I'm giving it a go.

And Progresso Soup is a part of it. I don't eat breakfast as a rule, so around 11 AM I have a half can of soup (flavor of my choice!) and sometimes a piece of toast or some tortilla chips. Then, later in the afternoon I may eat the other half of can. Then I eat a sensible dinner followed by 10-12 beers.

And in between half cans of soup I'm continually shoving chocolate into my mouth, sometimes so fast I gave myself a sore jaw.

Also keeping the exercise level to an absolute low.

But I ain't smoking!

And tomorrow

We decorate!

WOOT!

This is our first tree in THIS HOUSE! Our fifth Christmas at this address, and finally A TREE!

In our defense, we were only here for three of them, and one of them was ten days after closing and we were knee deep in wallpaper and paint.

The other two?

Yeah. Lazy.

Think Global, Buy Local! Our Christmas tree was not made in China, but it may be just as destructive to the Ozone. But, I don't wanna know!

I did it! Ask me how. . .

Well, it was close, kids. Almost too close to call. I was way behind last weekend, needed 12,000 words by Friday at midnight.

I diligently wrote hard all week, on Tuesday I did almost 5,000 words.

Thursday saw me just 800 words short of 50,000. No problem. I can (now) write 800 words in my sleep. A lot of "very's" and "really's", but I can DO IT.

So, Friday, instead of NaNo-ing, I dinked around with Christmas Cards, finished my book (that I'm READING!), planned a trip to the mall. Anything but write those last 800 words.

At 4 PM I finally sidled up to the laptop and pumped them out. Uploaded them to the website, and VIOLA! I was a winner.

And the website told me I had 15 minutes to spare! 15 minutes?!?!?! By my count, I had 7 hours and 15 minutes! How could I have cut it so close?

Because I didn't change my region setting when we returned from Israel. I almost made a fatal mistake. Because, really, I could not have lived without a certificate from NaNoWriMo saying I won and access to that cute little icon at the top of this post.

No, really. I would have slit my wrist. It's quite possibly the only good thing I got from this experience. Besides the discipline to write (almost) everyday, I now have a word doc totalling over 50,000 words that SUCKS! TRULY SUCKS!

Now, what am I going to do with that!?!?!

Oh, and I donated money to them, to boot. Because, really (there's that word again), they do good things. Mostly for kids. And maybe my $25 will inspire a future John Irving.

Now, onward to that Christmas thingy. Supposedly, we are getting a tree tomorrow.

So Not Fa-La-La-ing

Well, It's Thanksgiving. And tomorrow is the biggest Christmas shopping day of the year.

And, although I have SO much to be thankful for, I must admit, I am SO not ready for the Christmas season.

I can hardly bear to think about it. The snow, the tree, the decorating, the wrapping, the shopping, the crowds, the food.

And there's NO WAY IN HELL you will catch me in a store tomorrow. Unless we need milk and then you'll see me at the Speedway.

I honestly don't know what to buy anyone, or what I need, or what even what FM wants/needs.

Maybe it's because I haven't ate any turkey yet. We're not having our family Thanksgiving until Saturday. Maybe Thanksgiving on Saturday will make me feel more Christmas-sy.

Or, maybe FM's family Christmas party on the 8th of December will help. It usually is a good kick off to the Christmas season. At least when we're here to attend.

I DO actually like Christmas. It just doesn't seem possible it's time for all the trimmings yet. Hell, we just got HOME. And, I need to finish my NaNoWriMo (and yes, I'm behind, by about 5000 words, and beginning to doubt I'll actually make it).

And, if anyone has any gift ideas, email me.

Be it Ever So Humble, There's NO Place Like Home

We're home. Finally. FM hasn't been home since August 28 of LAST YEAR! I, of course, was home briefly last month, but under circumstances which made my visit slightly less enjoyable than it should have been.

And home, really, is wherever we are in the world. My home is with FM, the good, the bad and the disgusting. I'm always glad when we're in the same country!

But, it's so nice to be surrounded by one's own things. To know what everything in the grocery store is, and how to prepare it. To be able to pick up the phone and call anyone in your time zone, ANYTIME! Although, in comparison to Tel Aviv, the weather is miserable (and it's going to get WAY worse before it gets better, which we probably won't even be here to see/enjoy), we're still HOME!

And I'm already contemplating six ways from Sunday to spend money on our humble abode. God help me, I always want something! Funny how I can manage with 3 spoons, 2 pans, and a spatula somewhere else, but as soon as I walk in the door at home I'm full of materialism and desires for things I use approximately 5 times a year! New countertops, a new front door, new door knobs, and most importantly, our gas fireplace FIXED (I BROKE it when I was home next, according to FM. Damn knob fell right off!)

Anyway, welcome home FM and Flatbacker. You're going to love it. Until you get bored and want to go somewhere else. . . .