French Onion Soup is Better than Ex-Lax

Holy Mother of God. I forgot about French Onion Soup. FM and I both ordered a bowl as a starter last night. When we were about halfway through, I said, "You know, I think this stuff gives me horrendous gas."

I was right. And, it seemed to work the same magic on FM.

(This morning)

FM: Boy, you can be glad you were sleeping so hard last night.

ME: Not hard enough that I missed that SMELL you were emitting.

FM: I actually had to leave the room!

ME: You left ME in THERE with YOUR STINK?

FM: NO! NO! I came out here to get rid of the stink.

Now, that's love folks.

Kind of the same love I'm feeling for the bathroom right now. And copious amounts of TP. All I had was soup and salad!

Thinking I should probably take French Onion Soup off my personal menu. And, FM's.

Update on NaNoWriMo

I didn't write anything yesterday. Not one word. Spent three hours in the morning "researching" (read: reading forums on NaNoWriMo looking for inspiration and finding none). Then, going out and buying the paper, coffee, beer, soap. . .

Returning and reading paper, doing crossword, reading a book. No ideas.

Well, a couple. A southern guy with race issues falling in love with Israel, looking for Jewish roots in his past so he can make Aliyah, and finding he has black Jewish roots. Scrapped. A collection of travel stories in a humorous bent (think tampon stories). Scrapped. Reviving one of my older attempts at a novel. Also scrapped.

Decided to just jump in and start typing. See what happens. Have about 1200 words in the last hour. Not bad, as I'm already 1500 words behind after not writing yesterday.

The goal is not really to write a saleable novel, or even a readable novel. It's to write every day and finally get 50,000 words down in a somewhat related manner.

Title is "All That Is Left Behind".

You can check my progress at http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/user/237909

The Most Guilt-Inducing Appliance Ever!

When I married FM, I not only got a kind and loving husband, but included in the entire package was . . . THE AMAZING RAINBOW VACUUM CLEANER, amongst other twaddle (that IS a word, I'll have you know).

Now, FM has had a longtime love with this machine, and who am I to separate a man from his obsession.

I, on the other hand, have hated this machine for the past 9 years I've had to live with it.

Why, you ask?

Not because it cleans my house, upholstery, car, and curtains to the upmost degree.

And, not because I have jealous insecurities that FM loves it more than me.

Also, not because it is a TOTAL PAIN IN THE ASS to use. If you've ever had one, you know what I'm talking about. Have a minor spill? You need to fill the freaking canister with water, drag the entire contraption out of the basement storage room (the only place BIG enough to store this monstrosity), then vacuum up said mess, THEN empty water and dirt and debris SOMEWHERE, and re-store.

Not even because the whole unit is ungainly and tends to (a) get wrapped around it's own power cord constantly, (b) get wrapped around it's own suction tube thing (whatever that is called) occassionally, or (c) tips over and sometimes leaks dirty, nasty water onto my white carpet, ensuring I must get out the Resolve Carpet Cleaner next. . .

And, not even because the damn thing is 20 years old.

No, I can overlook these minor issues. The thing I hate the most about this thing is when I get it out it takes me 4 STINKING HOURS to vacuum my house.

So what is the rational for vacuuming for four hours (and trust me folks, our house isn't big enough to justify this), you ask? Because it HAS all these options and attachments for cleaning everything damn thing in your house, including your screens, the top of your refrigerator, the sofa cushions, the air vents, windowsills, blinds, etc. And since you've dragged the whole cumbersome thing out, filled it up with water, and towed all the accessories around the house, you ACTUALLY FEEL GUILTY if you don't use them. Not that all those things in my house couldn't use a once over, but I guarantee if I had just a "normal" upright vacuum like I grew up with, it would take about an hour to vacuum.

But, then my house wouldn't have that "Rainbow Glow".

And FM would sob uncontrollably if I was to ever rid ourselves of it and replace it with a Dyson, as I keep threatening to do.

(Note: Although I am back in Israel, I just spent two weeks at home due to the unexpected death of my brother, Brian. And rather than talk about the pain and grief my family and I are going through, I thought I'd rant about my vacuum cleaner).

Crocs with Socks Rocks

With the coming of fall here in Tel Aviv, and the cooler weather, we will all now wear our Crocs (the National Footwear of Israel) with socks.

Because, really, they weren't ugly enough without the socks. The holes will stand out so much better this way.

And remember, never put that heel strap actually around your heel. That's just wrong.

Cross Dressing is FUN!

We've been to a few countries, and a few bars. I've seen people drinking in their bathing suits with no shoes, and without shirts.

But I've never seen a bar let customers in wearing wet underwear and women's clothing. Fresh from the sea.

The only problem? Someone's clothing was stolen, so he had no shirt. Bouncer wouldn't let him in. Was okay if he put on a cute, sexy, ladies tank top, though.

Problems solved. Let the drinking resume!

Lessons learned:

1. Never leave your clothing unattended at the beach at 3 AM
2. Never quit drinking if you're wearing women's clothing
3. Always wear undiepanties

All In Good Clean Fun

Our friend Jeff cracks me up. He is pretty quick witted, which is a trait I admire and envy.

Last night I was saying possibly half my problem here is the lack of everyday humor. In Greece and Hong Kong there was always something to laugh about.

Well, here I have Jeff.

ME (eyeballing a chick at the beach built like a brick shithouse): I bet you wouldn't throw her out of bed. . .

JEFF: Not unless she wanted to do it on the floor!

A different evening:

ME (talking about having sex with someone who may not want to have sex): It's not like you would rape her or anything. . .

JEFF: Nah, I'd just hold her down and do her. . .

He's killing me here.

Shalom Ya'll!

Oh, boy. Definitely not winning any points with my fan base by not posting for 10 days, eh?

Sorry. Don't mean to waste your time making you click on my link, then not giving you any thought provoking and conscious raising insight into our time in Israel.

Not that I'm famous for either of those things.

Let me tell you a story about plastic. I HATE it. I think we should ban production of anything made of plastic for the rest of eternity. Unless it's made out of existing plastic. And, people sign a statement before buying promising to dispose of it properly.

I can't tell you how many impressive sights around the world have been "ruined" for me by the presence of plastic bags and bottles strewn around it like a landfill.

Well, yes I can. The Pyramids of Giza, Machu Pichu, and Angkor Wat to start the list.

And now you can add the beaches of Tel Aviv.

We are swimming in plastic stew. It's disgusting. Potato chip bags, garbage bags, ziploc bags, plastic cups, even a plastic handcuff (!).

Not to mention all the plastic pieces and parts left on the beach every night.

PEOPLE - PICK UP YOUR PLASTIC.

And your cigarette butts, too, please. Big stretch of sand does not equal ashtray.

Sometimes I think humans don't deserve this earth. . .

A Holy Experience from Hell

We spent Saturday on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem and Bethlehem. Well, maybe it doesn't qualify as a pilgrimage, we didn't actually walk there but opted for an air conditioned bus, but nevertheless, we went.

In the religious world, you would be hard pressed to find a piece a land more sacred to different religious groups than Jerusalem. It's hard not to feel the weight and sanctity of the place.

Until someone is waving a "Shalom, Y'All" plaque under your nose and yelling, "Hey guys! Come see my shop! 50% off!" as you walk the 14 stations of Christ.

What the HELL? Makes it a bit harder to soak up the history and monumental importance. If Jesus Christ himself returned and saw this mayhem outside the church built over Golgotha hill, I'm sure it would be a repeat of his tantrum in Herod's Temple when he upset the money changers tables. We were all sickened by this absolute display of commercialism, in addition to angered by the attitudes of many of the shopkeepers.

But, we stood on hallowed ground, reveled in the history, and took an unexpected but cool sidetrip to Bethlehem and to the American Elvis Diner (!).

But I saved 5 Bucks!

Laundry.

I'm sure laundry does not have a fan club. I hate it. It can prove to be quite difficult out here on the road.

As I mentioned before, we can't quite afford the prices most hotels get for the simple act of ensuring we don't stink. Sometimes our apartment will have a washer. Sometimes I need to find a local laundry. And, sometimes I need to load it all up in a bag and drag it to the laundromat.

Which is what I did this morning.

The boys have all been, so I pretty much knew the routine, I thought. 12 Shekels to wash, 1 Shekel for three minutes of dry time. Bought my detergent and was ready with a pocket full of change.

Except the machines only take the one Shekel coins. Oops. I had enough to get the wash started, but now I was in search of one Shekel coins.

ME (to guy sitting out front doing his laundry): Hey, do you know the best place to get some change?

HIM: Dude, you are sooooo screwed. I had to walk six blocks to get Shekels. From a guy with his face all pierced watching a hip-hop video.

ME: What? Really? Shit!

HIM: I may be able to set you up with some. . .

ME: Great. I think I only need 5 or so.

HIM: Maybe we can just dry our clothes together.

ME (Thinking this sounds a little strange): Maybe I'll just go find some Shekels.

Found Shekels, drying crisis averted, laundry done in 1.25 hours.

Total price for laundry: 20 Shekels.

What I paid last week to drop it off and pick it up the next day: 40 Shekels.

What I will be doing the next time laundry needs to be done: I wonder. . . NOT!

I Love to Eavesdrop

But, this morning, I wish I hadn't.

Due to that annoying habit FM has of going to work everyday, I must do most things by myself. Including going to breakfast.

So, this morning I go downstairs for my toast and garlic cheese spread (YES! For breakfast! It rocks!), some fruits and the all important coffee. This young, attractive couple comes in and sits down at the table next to me just as I'm tucking in to my yummies and before I start on the paper. He apparently is some bigwig with the hotel or the tourism industry as he is chatting with the assistant manager about his staff, cleanliness, etc. He's also rather irritating in his manner, and he is starting to bug me.

The staff leave them alone and he starts berating his girlfriend for acting childish in front of his friends, brown-nosing his family, exagerrating her "American" accent (for whatever purpose that would be), telling her he doesn't want to have to spend time with her family here and basically making her feel bad. She's on the verge of tears and can not get a word in edgewise. Also there seems to be some issue about a bunch of money she spent on an airline ticket (her money) and she is asking him if it was money wasted or what. And, he's really not doing this quietly, so it ain't so hard to hear their personal bidness.

The manager dude comes back over and apparently they are going to present a check to one of the employees right there in the breakfast room. She wants to leave, he says stay. She stays. A group of employees gather around their table, and one of them asks him when the two of them are getting married. He says, "We're not." Girlfriend looks at him in horror and takes off from the table and up the stairs, crying. Did this asshole just break his engagement in front of OTHER PEOPLE? I think so.

I'm feeling terrible for this girl (partly because I think this dude is a jerk, but also because HOW HUMILIATING), and spend the next 45 minutes wishing I would have followed her, seen if she needed someone to talk to, or a cup of coffee, or some ice cream, or something. Thinking she might be alone (like me) and want to talk to someone kind of anonymously.

I'm still feeling bad for her as I leave the hotel for the mall. And, here the two of them come around the corner, holding hands and laughing together. WTF?

Humans. They are So. Very. Strange.

In other news, we are going to Jerusalem on Saturday! Yea us! Yes, I took the bribe from the hotel (see previous post). But, it wasn't really a bribe as all the crew members are also invited. I think just TJ and us are going, though.

Last night we went to a pub that we have been walking past all week. Turns out, it's owned by a bunch of Russians and usually has a mostly Russian clientele. We were the only ones in there from 8 PM until 11PM. and took full advantage of the FREE POOL (table).

(Around 9:30ish)

ME: Hey, where are all your comrades?

DREW (to FM): Dude! Your wife is going to get our asses beat! And, your's twice!

BARTENDER: It's too early for Russians to drink.

ME: Ah. We're so we're like FREE MONEY!

General laughter (somewhat nervous from Drew)

Excessive Bleeding

Five Star Hotels

Typically, we don't stay in five star hotels. Currently, we are. And the reason is, the entire city of Tel Aviv is fully booked up through the end of August, and there are not any other viable alternatives. Five star hotels tend to make FM and I a little uncomfortable. We really don't fit in. We're more like 3 star peeps who sometimes upgrade themselves to 4. . .

We can't afford $25/person breakfast buffets, or $7/shirt for laundry. We don't know how much to tip the staff, and we don't wear designer clothes. I also don't know how to respond when a reservation manager looks me in the eye and tells me there is a $60/night (!!!WTF!!! In my mind, this is an adequate rate for a HOTEL ROOM) surcharge for double occupancy (HEY, I'll wash my own towel if that'll help!).

We get somewhat snide looks when we carry beer into the hotel. And our laundry (nicely packaged in garbage bags).

All this being said, when we are paying for a five star hotel, I expect things to be perfect. I don't expect to have to ask three times for coffee at breakfast. I don't expect to have a puddle of water in my room (unexplained). I don't expect to have to call for maintenance twice on the same problem before someone responds.

And, after calling maintenance twice about my air conditioning problems (which were PROBABLY MOST DEFINITELY IN CAHOOTS WITH THE PUDDLE OF WATER) I really, REALLY don't expect the air conditioning to fail at 11 PM.

But, what do I know. . . I don't typically stay at 5 star hotels. . . .

Cost of Living

$13 for Listerine (looking into using Bombay, I think it's cheaper, if not ADA approved, and probably more fun)
$25 for non-PABA free sunblock
$5 for a pack of Marlboro Lights
$25 for lunch (average lunch for two, no BEER!)
$5 a beer
$5/piece for a beach chair
$2/quart for cow milk
$25 for I don't know how much ground coffee, it's in a tin, doesn't look or feel like much, though.

Makes that per diem money disappear fairly quickly, kids.

Bribes

In the last half hour (since the air conditioning guys were here fixing my air), the hotel has offered us a free trip to Jerusalem, the maid brought me 10 long stem roses, and I got my coffee on the first try at breakfast. Coincidence?

I think not.

Open Mouth, Remove Foot

Okay, Okay.

I DO kinda feel like I'm on vacation.

I'm sure it's temporary, and will burn off, but eating dinner on the beach WITHOUT taking a two hour ferry ride and/or a 45 minute bus/subway ride, AND watching a slivered moon set over the Med, AND drinking ice cold Maccabee beers does put one in a vacation mood.

Yes, that's the view from our balcony, and yes, it would be better if we were on the OTHER SIDE OF THE TOWER, but hey. I'll take it. And, we have AIR CONDITIONING! YEA US!

Plus, we're spending money like we were on vacation. . .

From Souvlaki to Shawarma

I need to learn to keep my big mouth shut.

FM and I WERE scheduled for a brief Greek Island cruise, then a trip home (11 months since home for him, 9 for me).

And, last night, I had the audacity to say to him, "I think you like going home a lot more than me."

And, also last night, I said to him, "Maybe we'll get a last minute call and be sent to somewhere wonderful."

And last week when Tel Aviv showed up on his workplace website as an upcoming jobsite, I said, "Tel Aviv would be cool."

So, I think you can see where this is going. . . and also where we are off to next.

TEL AVIV.

No home, no lawn check-up, no doctor's check-up, no dentist, no golf, no passing go, no collecting $200.

We leave next Wednesday. For four months.

Mazel tov!