Flatbacker \FLAT-back-er\ n. Someone who takes advantage of lying around, swilling beer, eating bon-bons and meeting the neighbors while Fantastic Man earns a living. She was a flatbacker. v. to lounge around without a care in the world except clean underwear in the drawers and cold beer in the fridge. She was drunkenly flatbacking.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
The Most Guilt-Inducing Appliance Ever!
When I married FM, I not only got a kind and loving husband, but included in the entire package was . . . THE AMAZING RAINBOW VACUUM CLEANER, amongst other twaddle (that IS a word, I'll have you know).
Now, FM has had a longtime love with this machine, and who am I to separate a man from his obsession.
I, on the other hand, have hated this machine for the past 9 years I've had to live with it.
Why, you ask? Not because it cleans my house, upholstery, car, and curtains to the upmost degree.
And, not because I have jealous insecurities that FM loves it more than me.
Also, not because it is a TOTAL PAIN IN THE ASS to use. If you've ever had one, you know what I'm talking about. Have a minor spill? You need to fill the freaking canister with water, drag the entire contraption out of the basement storage room (the only place BIG enough to store this monstrosity), then vacuum up said mess, THEN empty water and dirt and debris SOMEWHERE, and re-store.
Not even because the whole unit is ungainly and tends to (a) get wrapped around it's own power cord constantly, (b) get wrapped around it's own suction tube thing (whatever that is called) occassionally, or (c) tips over and sometimes leaks dirty, nasty water onto my white carpet, ensuring I must get out the Resolve Carpet Cleaner next. . .
And, not even because the damn thing is 20 years old.
No, I can overlook these minor issues. The thing I hate the most about this thing is when I get it out it takes me 4 STINKING HOURS to vacuum my house.
So what is the rational for vacuuming for four hours (and trust me folks, our house isn't big enough to justify this), you ask? Because it HAS all these options and attachments for cleaning everything damn thing in your house, including your screens, the top of your refrigerator, the sofa cushions, the air vents, windowsills, blinds, etc. And since you've dragged the whole cumbersome thing out, filled it up with water, and towed all the accessories around the house, you ACTUALLY FEEL GUILTY if you don't use them. Not that all those things in my house couldn't use a once over, but I guarantee if I had just a "normal" upright vacuum like I grew up with, it would take about an hour to vacuum.
But, then my house wouldn't have that "Rainbow Glow".
And FM would sob uncontrollably if I was to ever rid ourselves of it and replace it with a Dyson, as I keep threatening to do.
(Note: Although I am back in Israel, I just spent two weeks at home due to the unexpected death of my brother, Brian. And rather than talk about the pain and grief my family and I are going through, I thought I'd rant about my vacuum cleaner).